My father died on 3 September 2009. He died alone, peacefully, at the MSJ Medical Centre. His name was Llewellyn Sylvester Spencer. I was not there. But the last time I spoke with him, I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me too. It was on the phone. Thank you God that you made him alert enough to hear me say that, and be able to respond. I wish I was there. I wish I could have gone back home before he died. I wish I had spent some time with him over the summer. I wish I had given him a hug sometimes, or just touched him on his hand sometimes. Or just taken him for a drive. I wish I had called him more often.

I spent a lot of time, wondering why he couldn’t let go of the past and move on. But the truth is, I also had not let go of the past and moved on. Although we had developed a good relationship, I also never did open my heart completely and just let him in. I loved him – absolutely I did. But without even realizing it, I had not completely removed the block wall that was silently standing between us. I never realized I was doing that with my father till now. And now I understand. I understand that I also had a role to play in our relationship – it was both of us who loved each other dearly, but were unconsciously afraid to just let it rip. I know my dad loved me, I know he did; I saw it in his eyes every time I looked at him. And he was always proud of me. Me, who hasn’t accomplished anything of note; he was just proud to call me his daughter. And now I’m proud to call him my dad.

Life, and death, have a way of teaching us some hard lessons about ourselves and each other. If we are lucky enough, we learn those lessons and become better persons. We learn to forgive quickly and completely, and we learn to live with our arms – and our hearts - open wide. We learn to love fully, not tentatively, and expose ourselves to the ones we love and trust that they won’t hurt us. And if they do, we forgive them and love again because we know we have also hurt others. We learn to “let everything happen to [us] – beauty and terror”. *

I love you daddy, I really do.

*Quote taken from the poem God Speaks, by Rainer Maria Rilke